One Blew over Haruka's House
by Sailor Dragon Torque
Summary: Haruka and her friends try to save her mom from a seductive conartist, with very funny results. Please read and review. No flames please.


**One Blew over Haruka's House**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the spectacular anime, Noein, or the remedy, Gas-X.

This story takes place in the summer approximately three weeks after the end of the series.

(The story begins with Haruka in her room, along with Yu, Ai, Miho, and Isami discussing a situation she needs help with.)

HARUKA: Okay guys, I need your help in saving my mom.

YU: What's wrong with her?

HARUKA: She's being played for a fool.

AI: How's that?

HARUKA: She's been dating this guy she met in the park named Masashi Iwata. And from the moment I first met him, I did not like him. There's just something shady about him that's giving me bad vibes. I believe he's trying to take advantage of my mom to get something out of it. And I need you guys to help me expose him.

ISAMI: Sounds fun!

YU: Wait a second, Haruka. You don't have any proof that this guy is as bad as you make him out to be.

HARUKA: I know that, but my gut is telling me that this guy is a fraud, and I know when there's a person I don't like or trust.

MIHO: But Haruka…

HARUKA: Look, here they come now!

(Everyone looks out the window and sees Asuka and Iwata coming up the sidewalk.)

IWATA: Let me get the door for you, my dear.

ASUKA: My, how kind of you Masashi.

(They enter the house and the kids move away from the window.)

AI: He seems like the perfect gentleman to me.

HARUKA: That's just it, he's too nice. Guys like that prey on innocent women. Look at his 100,000 yen custom-made imported Armani suit, and his brand new Mitsubishi with deluxe interior. He doesn't even have a decent job, where's all this money coming from?

ISAMI: She has a point there.

AI: Shut up, Isami!

YU: Listen Haruka…

HARUKA: No! I just know this guy's up to no good, and I'm gonna prove it!

YU: You're really serious about this.

HARUKA: He's a fake! He's a fraud!

AI: Haruka, I think you're overreacting.

HARUKA: He's a phony! He disgusts me! I'm this close to having Baron go pee on his car! Maybe the sunroof is open so he can ruin the seat covers!

MIHO: Gross!

HARUKA: He stinks!

AI: (sarcastically) Great, now he stinks.

HARUKA: Yeah, he stinks! He smells like beef and cheese that's gone bad! He smells worse than my feet.

ISAMI: Waddiya mean by that Haruka?

HARUKA: (extending her feet to Isami) Here, smell.

ISAMI: (smells Haruka's bare feet, turns green, and his eyes bulge out) Yup, they stink. (faints and passes out)

HARUKA: I rest my case.

MIHO: Wow! He's really out!

HARUKA: It only works if your nose is within 5 centimeters of my feet. That trick would never work on Mr. Iwata. My plan for him will make an even bigger stink than that.

YU: Still, I don't want to get involved until I know for sure that this guy bad news.

HARUKA: I kind of figured that. I've already got Ms. Uchida doing some research and trying to find some background info on Mr. Iwata. I'm expecting a call from her soon. Also, I put a speaker in the outhouse so we can hear if he says anything to himself about his scheme.

AI: Hold on a sec. What outhouse?

YU: Didn't you hear? Haruka's toilet is broken and won't flush.

HARUKA: So my mom bought a temporary outhouse and put it in the backyard. We'll be using that until we save up enough money to get a plumber out here.

MIHO: It must really stink.

HARUKA: It's putrid. It only gets emptied once a week. I can't even stand sitting on that toilet, we've gotta get a plumber out here soon.

AI: Gotcha. Now, what's this about a speaker in there?

HARUKA: Oh yeah, Ms. Uchida hooked it up for me. There's a small microphone in the outhouse that's undetectable. Anything that anyone says or does in there can be heard through this receiver on my desk. It only goes one way, so I can hear him, but he can't hear me.

MIHO: That's really nasty Haruka! You're disrespecting other peoples' privacy, plus you can hear all those gross sounds in there.

HARUKA: Oh don't worry, I can turn off the receiver whenever I want, and I only use it when Mr. Iwata is in there, nobody else.

YU: Well, have you heard him say anything out of the ordinary yet? You know, like a scheme or something.

HARUKA: Not yet. The only thing I've heard so far is just the sounds of him…you know, doing his business.

YU, AI, and MIHO: Ewwwwww yuck!

HARUKA: You're telling me. Hey Ai, wake up Isami and come take a look out my window.

AI: Right. Come on Isami, get up! (kicks Isami in the back)

ISAMI: (regaining consciousness) Wha-what happened?

AI: We'll explain later, come here and take a look outside.

ISAMI: Oh, okay.

(Everyone looks out the window.)

HARUKA: See there, that's the outhouse.

AI: Wow, looks really cramped.

YU: It even has a crescent moon on the door.

ISAMI: I wonder if there's one of those things on the wall in there that sells balloons.

MIHO: Isami, those aren't balloons, those are-

HARUKA: Shh, quiet guys. I think someone's going out there now.

IWATA: (steps outside) I'll be back in a minute, my lady.

HARUKA: Time to listen in! (turns on the speaker)

IWATA: (in his real sleazy tone of voice) Heh, this crazy chick has completely fallen for me. Tomorrow, I'll give her my special elderberry wine, she'll fall asleep, and I'll clean the place out. And if her stupid brat daughter tries to interfere, I'll lock her up in the closet.

HARUKA: I knew it!

IWATA: Ever since I started working this town, I've been waitin' for the chance to clean out this house. It's a regular gold mine, filled with antiques, and so much more. And tomorrow they'll be all mine! Ha, ha, ha! (farts) Oof, too many stewed prunes the other day. (leaves outhouse)

HARUKA, YU, AI, MIHO, and ISAMI: Ewwwwww!

HARUKA: (turns off receiver) See, what did I tell you?

YU: Yeah, you were right. But, I'm still a little uneasy about going through with this plan to expose this jerk.

AI: I agree. Why don't you just tell your mom about his true nature, or try to confront him alone.

HARUKA: I can't do that! My mom would never believe a story like that, and Mr. Iwata is twice my size and twice as strong. I'd get hurt, or worse. Please, I'm begging you, help me out. Not for me, but for my mom.

YU: You convinced me, I'm in.

MIHO: Me too.

ISAMI: Me three.

MIHO: Well, Ai?

AI: Hmmm…

HARUKA: C'mon Ai.

AI: Alright, I'm in.

HARUKA: Thank you, thank you all!

YU: So what's the plan?

HARUKA: Well, first I need a cherry bomb. Ai, do you still have any left from your practical joke kit you used to use?

AI: Yes, I believe I do.

HARUKA: Great, now we'll have to head to the store to get some strong cord, and a laxative.

ISAMI: I don't know what the plan is, but I like it already.

YU: What do you need all that for Haruka?

HARUKA: You'll see. (cell phone rings) Oh, hold on. (answers the phone) Hi, this is Haruka. (pause) Hey Ms. Uchida, what's up? (pause) You did? (pause) Great, we'll be right there. (pause) Okay bye. (hangs up)

AI: What's up?

HARUKA: Ms. Uchida has info on our guy!

YU: Great, where are we meeting?

HARUKA: The park, at the benches. Let's go.

(The kids go down to the front door and put their shoes on.)

HARUKA: Mom, we're going to the park for a while!

ASUKA: Okay, honey! See you later!

HARUKA: Okay, bye!

(Everyone is now at the park talking with Ryouko Uchida.)

UCHIDA: I hacked into the local police computers and found an entire dossier on this guy. (brings file up on laptop) Here it is. Kazuhiko Miyazawa, Masashi Iwata is just a pseudonym. He's a master of disguise and he apparently uses a different name and face every time he meets a new woman. He preys on them by using his charm and seduction. He eventually offers them a glass of elderberry wine that's drugged with sleeping pills. Then when they fall asleep, he cleans them out of all their valuables, and takes off. By the time the victim would wake up, it would be too late. It appears your mother is his next unsuspecting victim, Haruka.

HARUKA: Is there anything else?

UCHIDA: Description wise, no. But, he has several outstanding warrants for his arrest, and he's wanted in eight cities across Japan. Plus, there's a cash reward of 5,000,000 yen for his capture.

HARUKA: Great, thanks Ms. Uchida. We've got to get going now to throw my plan into action.

UCHIDA: No problem, anything to help you out. Just give me a call if you need my help.

HARUKA: We will. See ya!

(A few hours pass and Haruka and co. have gone to gather the supplies they need for the plan. By time they get back to Haruka's house, it's already 8:00 PM, Iwata has left, and Asuka has already fallen asleep. The kids head out back to set up the outhouse for the master plan.)

HARUKA: All right Yu, tie the end of the cord to the pin in the cherry bomb.

YU: (does what he's told) All set.

HARUKA: Okay Miho, hold the other end of the cord in place around the toilet paper roll spindle. And Ai, while Miho holds it for you, tie a really strong knot around the spindle.

MIHO and AI: (do what they're told) Okay, we're good.

HARUKA: Now Isami, you have the honor of dropping the cherry bomb into the toilet, and covering it up with this extra toilet paper.

ISAMI: (does what he's told) Good to go.

YU: Now what happens?

HARUKA: Well, tomorrow I get Iwata to come out here to use the outhouse. Then, when he goes for the toilet paper, one spin will pull the cord that releases the pin from the cherry bomb and, KABOOM! He gets covered in all the piss and shit that's collected in there over the last four days. Then, after we laugh like crazy about it, we expose him for the loser he really is.

AI: Great, but I have two questions for you.

HARUKA: Yes?

AI: How do we keep your mom away from here? You wouldn't want her getting blown up with crap.

HARUKA: Just leave that to me, I'm good at diverting her attention. She won't even get near this place, trust me. Now, what's the other question?

AI: How do you get Iwata to come out here to use this outhouse?

HARUKA: That's where the laxative I bought comes in. First, after he pours his special elderberry wine into the glasses, I send Baron outside to set off the dope's car alarm. Then, while he and my mom are outside checking out what happened, I run into the kitchen, dump out the wine in the glasses, pour some of my mom's own elderberry wine into them, and add the laxative to his glass. Before you know it, he'll be running to the toilet to shit his guts out. And we'll all be rolling on the floor with laughter.

ISAMI: Sounds great, but what if he notices the cord attached to the toilet paper roll?

HARUKA: Don't worry, this cord is very strong, but also very thin. When in a single thread, it can hardly be seen with the naked eye. Plus, you can't see something you're not looking for, right?

YU: Well, it looks like you have everything planned out.

HARUKA: Right, so in order to have you guys here early tomorrow to help me out, here's my next plan. Ai and Miho will sleep over here at my house, my mom won't have any objections. And since Yu lives just around the corner, he can head home and Isami can bunk with him for the night. Sound good?

YU, AI, MIHO, and ISAMI: Sounds great!

HARUKA: Perfect, it's all settled then. Now why don't you all come inside and have some dinner on me. I'll order some take-out oden. Then we'll all get some rest.

YU, AI, MIHO, and ISAMI: All right!

HARUKA: Cool!

(The next morning, Haruka wakes up and hears Asuka getting ready to go out. Haruka quietly slips out of her room, so as not to wake up Ai or Miho, and heads downstairs.)

HARUKA: Morning, mom. Where are you off to?

ASUKA: Oh, good morning Haruka. I'm meeting Masashi in the park later this morning, so I'm heading out to the bathhouse nearby to freshen up. Then, this afternoon, we'll be heading back here to discuss a trip we're planning over some elderberry wine that he's bringing.

HARUKA: Oh, that sounds good.

ASUKA: Oh, and don't worry about making me breakfast, I'll just pick something up on the way to the park after I leave the bathhouse.

HARUKA: Great, hope you have fun.

ASUKA: Thanks. (looks at her watch) Wow, look at the time! I better get going now, see you later sweetheart. (exits)

HARUKA: Bye, mom.

(A few hours later, the boys are over, and Haruka gets ready to set her plan into action just as Iwata pulls up to the house in his car, with Asuka in tow.)

HARUKA: Here they come! You guys ready?

YU, AI, MIHO, and ISAMI: You bet!

HARUKA: Okay, I'm heading downstairs to watch what's going on without them seeing me. Then, as soon as he gets the wine out, I'll let Baron outside to set off the car alarm. You ready, Baron?

BARON: Bark!

HARUKA: Good boy. I'll see you guys in a few.

(Haruka heads downstairs and watches Iwata and Asuka from a safe distance.)

ASUKA: So, should we discuss that trip you were talking about.

IWATA: Oh yes, of course my dear. Let me just get out my fresh elderberry wine, and then we'll talk.

ASUKA: Great, I've been looking forward to it.

HARUKA: That's our cue, Baron. (she and Baron run down to the front door) Mom, I'm letting Baron outside to use the bathroom!

ASUKA: Okay, honey! You head back to your friends, and I'll let him in when he scratches on the door.

HARUKA: Thanks! Okay boy, you know what to do.

BARON: Bark, bark!

(Haruka lets Baron out and closes the door. She then heads back upstairs, and then heads down the back staircase, and watches Iwata and Asuka through the small crack in the door to the room they're in.)

IWATA: (pours the wine into two glasses) Here you are, Asuka. Now let us drink up, and discuss our trip.

(Baron sets off the car alarm.)

IWATA: Oh goodness, someone's trying to steal my car!

ASUKA: Hurry, let's get out there and stop them!

IWATA: Right!

(Iwata and Asuka run outside. Haruka then enters the room, dumps the wine in the glasses down the drain, quickly washes them, gets out a bottle of her mom's wine, pours it into the glasses, and adds the laxative and enough food coloring to make it look like just wine in Iwata's glass. She then puts her mom's wine away, heads out of the room and closes the door enough so she can still watch what's going on through the crack. Just then, the car alarm stops, and Asuka, Iwata, and Baron re-enter the house.)

ASUKA: There you go, Baron. Be more careful next time, okay?

BARON: Bark!

ASUKA: Good boy. Now go back upstairs and play with Haruka.

(Baron goes back upstairs, and Asuka and Iwata head back to the table to drink the wine.)

IWATA: (raises his glass) A toast, to a long and healthy life of fun.

ASUKA: Cheers.

(They both drink the wine. When Haruka sees this, she quickly heads back upstairs to tell the others.)

HARUKA: Phase 1 complete, guys.

YU: Great, now all we have to do is wait, right?

HARUKA: Yes, but I also have one more little idea.

AI: Uh, oh. I'm afraid to ask what it is.

HARUKA: You see, I'm gonna try to mentally convince Iwata that he needs to use the bathroom. That way he'll head to the outhouse much faster.

MIHO: How you gonna do that, Haruka?

HARUKA: Simple, I'll use psychological persuasion.

ISAMI: How so?

HARUKA: Well, you see, last night for dinner, I ate an extra large bowl of oden with extra tofu. And I'm just about ready to release all that extra pressure from that fermented bean curd.

YU: Oh, Haruka, you wouldn't!

HARUKA: Oh yes, I would! Plus, I'll also release gas from the other end too. Just gotta get a soda for that.

AI: Okay, well, good luck.

HARUKA: Thanks. Now I better get down there while I've still got the urge to gas him out. (farts) Oops, guess that one just slipped out!

YU, AI, MIHO, and ISAMI: (holding their noses) Ewwwwww, Haruka!

HARUKA: (laughs) Sorry about that, guys. See you in a few! (laughs again)

(Haruka heads downstairs, to the kitchen.)

ASUKA: This wine is quite good. It even resembles one of the wines I have.

IWATA: (thinking to himself) _Why isn't she asleep yet? The drugs usually kick in by now. _

ASUKA: Something the matter?

IWATA: Oh no, it's nothing my dear.

HARUKA: (enters) Mom, do we have any Gas-X?

ASUKA: It's in the cabinet above the microwave, sweetie. Why, are you okay, baby?

HARUKA: Yeah, I'm fine. (takes a soda out of the fridge, opens the can, and takes a sip) They just put too much tofu in my oden last night.

ASUKA: Okay, dear, be sure to take two of the tablets.

HARUKA: Kay. (goes to take the Gas-X)

ASUKA: So Masashi, where will we be going on that trip?

IWATA: Wha-oh yes, well I was planning it to be for the Caribbean Islands. First we would spend a few days in beautiful Puerto-

HARUKA: (farts)

IWATA: Um, Puerto Rico. Then we would be off to Jamaica for a few more days. And then we would stop in-

HARUKA: (farts again)

IWATA: In, um, um, Key West for maybe a day or two. Then, if you really wanted to, we could head over to-

HARUKA: (burps really loud) Scuse me.

ASUKA: Haruka, your manners!

HARUKA: I'm sorry mom, that's why I took the Gas-X. I'm heading back upstairs now.

ASUKA: Okay, honey.

(Haruka leaves the room, and closes the door, leaving it only a crack open to peek through. She now waits for Iwata to crack under pressure.)

ASUKA: It sounds good but, is it possible to change one of the stops to Bermuda? I know it's kind of out of the way, but I've always wanted to spend some time there.

IWATA: Hmm, I think that could be- (stomach growls really loud) um, arranged.

ASUKA: Is something wrong?

IWATA: No, but, did it just get really hot in here, or is it just me?

ASUKA: It feels fine to me. The air conditioning is on high.

IWATA: Oh, okay. Now about Ber- (stomach growls even louder sounding like an explosion at the end) –muda.

HARUKA: (thinking to herself) _Yes! This is it!_

IWATA: Please pardon me for a moment, Asuka. I must use the facility.

ASUKA: No problem, go ahead.

IWATA: Thank you.

(Iwata runs to the backyard while Haruka runs back upstairs to her room.)

HARUKA: He's headed for the outhouse guys. Get ready for the best part! (turns on the receiver for the microphone)

MIHO: Oh God, do we have to hear this?

HARUKA: That's why it's the best part. Trust me on this one.

AI: We're trying.

ISAMI: Look, here he goes!

(Iwata bolts into the outhouse, closes the door, and then it all comes out.)

IWATA: (making diarrheic sounds) Oh God, what the hell caused all this! (it stops coming out) Good, I guess it's over. (it starts coming out again) Ahhh! I was wrong! Somebody help me!

(Haruka and co. are hearing all this on the receiver, and laughing their asses off.)

HARUKA: (who's already rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically) Oh my God, I'm gonna wet my pants! See you guys, I always knew he was full of crap.

YU: (laughing) I wouldn't dare pull his finger!

AI: (laughing and trying to breathe) I take it all back, Haruka! This was a great idea!

MIHO: (laughing) He got his just desserts. Or rather, he just lost them all in the toilet.

ISAMI: (laughing and looking like he's having a seizure) Good one Miho! This is the most fun I've ever had in one day!

HARUKA: (trying to contain herself) Well, it's not over yet. He still hasn't gone for the toilet paper yet.

YU: (calming down) Oh right, I forgot! We've got to see this!

(Everyone heads to the window to watch the explosion as Iwata just finishes up)

IWATA: Man that was painful! Where's the toilet paper?

(Iwata grabs the toilet paper, which pulls the cord, which pulls out the pin on the cherry bomb, and BOOM! Iwata screams as the toilet explodes and all the crap covers him and pours out through the bottom of the door, and through the crescent moon window.)

HARUKA: Okay everybody, on my count. 1, 2, 3…

HARUKA, YU, AI, MIHO, and ISAMI: HOLY SHIT! (laughing hysterically)

YU: So, what now, Haruka?

HARUKA: Now I confront him. C'mon guys let's go.

(Everyone heads down the front staircase.)

HARUKA: Okay, while I confront him, you guys do your part on this side. Miho, you call the police on my house phone. Isami, you call Ms. Uchida on your cell phone. Ai, you go find my mom, and tell her everything that's happened. And Yu, you're my backup. Wait right here behind the front door, and when I call you, run out and help me pummel this guy. I'll take Baron with me for extra protection. Everyone okay with all this?

YU: You bet!

AI: No problem!

MIHO: We're with you all the way!

ISAMI: Uh…yeah, what they said!

HARUKA: Good, let's go!

(Everyone else does their assigned tasks, while Haruka quickly puts on her sneakers, and she and Baron go to confront Iwata.)

HARUKA: All right Iwata, or rather Miyazawa, the games up! (sees the backyard empty) Hey, where'd he go?

IWATA: (who's five feet behind her and brandishing a gun) Wrong! The games up for you, little girl!

HARUKA: (turns around) Uh oh, I didn't plan on this. Hey Yu-

IWATA: Shut up! You scream once, and I'll pull the trigger!

HARUKA: You don't scare me, how do I know that gun is even loaded?

IWATA: You don't. But are you willing to take that risk?

HARUKA: Good point.

IWATA: You saw through my whole plan, didn't you?

HARUKA: So what if I did?

IWATA: You switched the wine and spiked mine with laxative, didn't you?

HARUKA: Darn right I did! Nobody messes with my mom!

IWATA: Well now I'll take you hostage and demand money for your release.

HARUKA: Yeah right. How can I take a guy who's covered in his own fecal matter seriously?

IWATA: Shut up! And if you make one false move, you little bitch, you'll get blasted!

HARUKA: Whoa, what stinks back here? Oh that's right, it's you!

IWATA: Be quiet and get over here now!

HARUKA: Careful loser, one wrong move and you might soil yourself. Whoops, looks like you already did. Ha, ha!

IWATA: I'm warning you, get over here now! You're not even playing the hostage role right!

HARUKA: Well, then I guess I'm not the typical hostage, am I? You're busted anyway buddy, the cops are already on their way.

IWATA: That's it! I've had enough of you, say goodbye!

(Just then, Asuka runs outside holding a baseball bat, with everyone else right behind her. Before Iwata can turn around, Asuka nails him in the back with the bat. This causes him to drop the gun, and stumble around towards Haruka, who gives him a hard low blow with her knee. He then, collapses.)

HARUKA: That's what you get for calling me a bitch!

ASUKA: Don't you ever, threaten my daughter again!

(Five minutes later, everyone is talking in the front yard, as the police arrest Iwata.)

ASUKA: Haruka, why didn't you just tell me this guy was a con-artist?

HARUKA: I didn't think you'd believe me. Plus, you were so head-over-heels about him, I didn't want to upset you.

ASUKA: Well, it has been a little lonely since your father and I separated. But I truly promise to be more careful in the future. Is it a deal?

HARUKA: Of course. And I promise to tell you how I feel about your choices from now on.

ASUKA: That sounds good to me. Although, it was pretty hilarious seeing Mr. Not-So Wonderful covered in all that, poop.

HARUKA: Yeah, I know. It was a real crap job. (she and Asuka laugh)

(Uchida arrives.)

UCHIDA: Good afternoon, Ms. Kaminogi.

ASUKA: Oh, hello. It's good to see you again.

UCHIDA: You and Haruka are heroes for helping the police finally catch this guy.

ASUKA: Well thanks. But it's Haruka and her friends who deserve all the credit. I just helped a little.

UCHIDA: Well, none-the-less, with these tapes Haruka recorded of his true intentions, I'm sure they'll get a clear conviction.

HARUKA: No doubt.

UCHIDA: Now, you should head down to the police station to claim the 5,000,000 yen cash reward.

ASUKA: That's more than enough to pay a plumber to come and fix the toilet! Plus, with all the extra money left over, we can take that trip to America you've always wanted, Haruka.

HARUKA: Really?

ASUKA: Yes. And since Yu and your other friends helped out so much, they can come too. I may even ask your father to come along.

HARUKA: Really, dad too?

ASUKA: Sure, why not? And the rest of the money will go into your account.

HARUKA: Thanks, mom! You're the best! What do you think guys? Are you all with me on this plan?

YU: You know I am!

AI: Absolutely!

MIHO: Of course I'll come!

ISAMI: I'm all for that!

YU: Okay guys…

AI: Ready…1…

MIHO: 2…

ISAMI: 3!

YU, AI, MIHO, and ISAMI: Hooray! We're all heroes!

HARUKA: I couldn't agree more. (giggles)

End

Thanks for reading. Only positive reviews please, nothing negative! See ya!


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